|
mary rosenblum
|
Hello all.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Welcome to our Tuesday Forum.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is the Tuesday Forum with
me, Mary Rosenblum, LR Web Editor, fiction and nonfiction writer. We’re
talking about verbs today. If you’re new here, remember that you need to
click on the ‘Ask a Question’ button or the ‘word bubble’ next to the red
question mark at the top of the screen, or use the ask a question icon in
order to ask a question. Your regular ‘send’ bar won’t reach me! You can
also type /ask in front of your question to reach me.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
You'll have to excuse any
glitches here. I'm stuck with Java lite for the moment...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
microsoft has done a new patch
for XP that had thrown a lot of licensed software for a loop including
ichat.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
But since they have
discomfited so many existing softwares, they'll probably fix it eventually.
:-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I wanted to talk about verbs
today... This continues our discussion about enriching prose at the
word-by-word level which I began last week...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
with our Forum on 'beats'.
|
|
geezer
|
Is that why I can't download
Java?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
It may be, geezer. Of if
you're using ichat, you may find it no longer works.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Frank, our tech guru, says
Microsoft is getting a TON of complaints, so hopefully a fix will show up.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Looking at prose on the word
by word level is an advanced stage of writing and it is NOT NOT NOT
something you should worry about...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
or even think about as you
write your first draft.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The main things to worry
about, as a novice writer...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
is creating a real character
and telling a compelling story.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
That is ENOUGH to concentrate
on.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Trying to think of all those
'word by word' issues as you draft is a great way to end up staring ...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
at a blank screen and
drooling. :-)
|
|
pook
|
I am still basing my characters
on real people. It's hard to expand them.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Well, Pook, real characters
are always based on real people. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
But writers tend to cobble
many real people together to create that realistic character for
fiction...including ourselves!
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
But once you have your story
down... sit back.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
When you're satisfied with
WHAT happens, start paying attention to HOW you did it.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The common misconception is
that a good story idea is all you need.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
And that is not true.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Craft...the mechanics of
telling a story...can make your story either weaker, if it is lacking, or
even stronger than your idea suggests.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
While craft will never suffice
alone...it is like cutting a diamond.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
You can polish that round lump
of diamond without cutting and it will be pretty.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
But when you cut it...add
those facets...the diamond sparkles brilliantly.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
It is still a diamond, but
which one will most people want?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Working on those words is like
cutting that diamond. You give your solid story brilliance, not just a nice
polish.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is the Tuesday Forum with
me Mary Rosenblum LR Web Editor, fiction and nonfiction writer. We’re talking
about verbs today. If you’re new here, remember that you need to click on
the Ask a Question button or the word bubble next to the red question mark
at the top of the screen, or use the ask a question icon in order to ask a
question. Your regular send bar won’t reach me! You can also type /ask in
front of your question to reach me.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The basic idea of 'craft' is
to make every word do double or even triple duty.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
That is especially critical in
short fiction, but it will make a huge difference in the readability of
your novel length work.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The fewer words your readers
have to process to share the vision of your story, the more real it will
seem to them and the less they will be aware that they are reading and not
experiencing the story.
|
|
jackie7777
|
A little example please Mary.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Well, let's look at verbs
since that's what we're talking about.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Verbs offer action.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Walk.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Johnny walked across the room.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
What does 'walk' tell us?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
It tells us that he moved
forward at a gait that is slower than a run, with one foot touching the
floor at any given moment. ( I believe that is the sports definition of
'walk')
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
That's all it tells us.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Johnny tottered across the
floor.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is still a 'walk'.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
But that verb tells us a good
deal more about Johnny. He may be sick. Old. Infirm.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
So now that word is doing two
things...describing his gait and offering us insights into his mental or
physical condition.
|
|
christopher dale
|
jenny's hip-swinging slow jaunt
across the floor drew all the young men's eyes. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Jaunt is your verb here, and
that hip-swinging and slow gives us 'sexy'.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
If you're really pushed for
word space, Chris, you could say Jenny's sashay across the floor drew alal
the young mens' eyes.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
For most people...certainly
older readers...sashay will imply sexy, but without the vivid imagery of
your version.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
THe house stood next to the
school...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
gives us the house's position.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
What else can we show the
reader with a different verb? Any suggestions?
|
|
tory
|
Mary, got a recommendation for
"walk" that means 'slowly, with intention of not drawing
attention" but "tiptoe" is too extreme or obvious a move?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Tiptoed has a strong meaning
for most readers, tory...someone is trying to be quiet or escape detection.
|
|
seigfried007
|
sagged
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Okay...the house sagged next
to the school.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
So do you see a new, modern
house or an old one?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
And we didn't have to add a
word of description here, yes?
|
|
monda
|
the house towered over the
school
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Okay, how we see something
tall. Me, I'd imagine a mansion, I suspect...one of those tall, huge old
houses you see around here. Other readers might see something different...
|
|
pook
|
nestled
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Nestled...here we don't have a
description so much as a mood...this is a warm and welcoming house.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I might imagine a
cottage...something small.
|
|
christopher dale
|
the delapitated house was
teetering near the street.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Actually, Chris, this is a
great example of what you can leave out. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The house teetered at the end
of the street.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I don't know about you, but if
a house is teetering, I'm going to see something leaning off center, really
ready to fall down. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
SO here, the 'delapidated' is
redundant and you've saved yourself a couple of words. :-) Nice example.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Thank you.
|
|
janecj333
|
A house moldered at the side of
the road where Maggy Paine had, without more than a thought, taken her own
life
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
And here, the moldering house
coupled with the backstory of the suicide gives us the sense that the
house...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
has been abandoned, maybe
since that suicide. Moldered is a nice, rich verb, too. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Good complex resonance of rot,
mold, decay, stench.
|
|
coral
|
The house loomed next to the
school.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Good. Now we have a halloween
haunted house. The Adams Family lives there!
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
So think about it....if we
used 'stood'...how much description would we have to add to give us those
various houses...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
that we have been able to see
by the substitution of a single word?
|
|
geezer
|
The house smiled as the children
passed.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Nice...that kind of
metaphorical description can work very well...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
we don't know what the house
looks like, but clearly it is cheery and warm. Happy. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
And realize...you do not have
to force all your readers to see a yellow house with white shutters and
twin rosebushes on either side of the door!
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I may see a white house with
blue shutters and petunias and that will be a 'smiling house' to me.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is the 'interactive' of
prose.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
You allow your reader to fill
in their own details.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The fact that the house smiled
says 'cheery, warm, happy'
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
MY cheery, warm, happy house
may not look like YOUR cheery, warm, happy house.
|
|
christopher dale
|
the house stunk of death
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
And while that CAN be literal,
it's more likely to be another metaphorical description.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Oh yes...DO be very careful of
these if you are writing SF or fantasy!
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Sometyimes houses DO smile!
|
|
gwanny
|
The house seemed to have taken
root next to the old school
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I'd leave the 'seemed to have'
gwanny. YOu're the author. Be confident! :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Rooted next to the school, the
old house dreamed as the long summers passed.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
But the seemed would work
...and really be necessary....if you were giving us that through a POV
rather than as narrative.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Anne finally found the block
where her grandmother had lived. The old house seemed to have taken root
next to the school, its foundations melting into the weeds in the unkempt
yard.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is the Tuesday Forum with
me Mary Rosenblum LR Web Editor, fiction and nonfiction writer. We’re
talking about verbs today. If you’re new here, remember that you need to
click on the Ask a Question button or the word bubble next to the red
question mark at the top of the screen, or use the ask a question icon in
order to ask a question. Your regular send bar won’t reach me! You can also
type /ask in front of your question to reach me.
|
|
dub cooper
|
lurked
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Yes, another good Halloween
verb...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Waiting for unwary kids to
enter!
|
|
christopher dale
|
the willow-wids dnaced their
spring dance as the house twirled in the welcomed sun.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I take it the house IS
twirling? :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Ah, the willow-winds danced...
(Chris just sent me the correct version)...
|
|
christopher dale
|
I was TRYING to paint a picture
of springtime after a harsh winter - obviously missed THAT mark! LOL
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Oh, I think you did a good
job, but I think 'twirled' is a little too active for a house..maybe
smiled?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Or dreamed?
|
|
janecj333
|
The house had taken root next to
the school, and rows of sunflowers beaten in the wind, and corn stripped by
squirrels
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I'd probably throw a
'surrounded by' in there so we see the sunflowers and stripped corn around
it...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
nice fall picture.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Actually, Chris's twirling
house leads me to my next point...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
which is the caveat about
metaphoric verbs.
|
|
lorib
|
the house shrank in the shadow
the old school
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Good one, lorib....this is
house with a timid, fearful air.
|
|
seigfried007
|
The house plotted under the
ancient oaks. Steamed, schemed and even preened might work ;-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I like schemed best, seig.
|
|
dub cooper
|
The house waited next to the
school.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
That one, while not as
descriptive as some, suggests plot...what is it waiting for?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
And all of these variations
used, for the most part, a single word change.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is the beauty of
verbs...they can make VERY large changes without adding extra words at all.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
In a way, they are the most
overlooked and powerful tool you have.
|
|
monda
|
please elaborate on the verbs
for POV and narrative
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I will, Monda...it's an
important distinction.
|
|
christopher dale
|
The house slept peacefully under
its white blanket and its steady breath of smoke.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
First I'll put Chris's example
up, because I've picked on him twice now. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Nice on, Chris.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Okay...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
In reality, you only have
'dialogue' and 'narrative'....
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
but when you are using limited
third POV or first person POV, we are creating the effect...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
of either a character telling
the story (first person) or that we are experiencing the story THROUGH the
sensory perceptions of our third person character.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
So in both cases, we know only
what the character thinks/sees/smells/etc.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
In narrative...straightforward
narrative...YOU, the author are speaking.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
YOU can say 'The house smiled
in the spring sunshine.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
You are using a metaphor to
show us the house's atmosphere.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
BUT...will your POV see it
that way?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
If your POV is a street kid
who hasn't eaten since yesterday, will he think that the house is smiling?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
And if your character WILL
think that the house is smiling...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
that character, unless she/he
tends to think metaphorically quite a bit, is more likely to think: The
house seemed to be smiling...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Because that character is
thinking to herself and she KNOWS that the house is not smiling, this is
just the effect of sun on paint, and the appearance of the place.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
It's a matter of preserving
verisimiltude in your character's perceptions...the foundation of strong
character ization, by the way.
|
|
gwanny
|
The house labored under the
shadow of the old school
|
|
gwanny
|
or, maybe that should be,
"The old house labored in the shadow of the school
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Well, again, gwanny, taken out
of context like this, I find 'labored' a little more active than any house
I've ever seen.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
If you think about the words
we've used here...dreamed, smiled, loomed, towered, even teetered...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
which is probably the most
active of them we've used...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
they are all verbs that
describe an action/state of being that can take place without moving from a
base.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
When you get into 'danced'
'twirled' even 'labored'...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
you are describing actions
that require movement away from a base...as in with feet or some other
motivating feature.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
So you are really really
stretching the metaphor.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I see that every so often in
novice work...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
the writer who LOVES metaphor
and provides me with some great chuckles as the images form in my
head...but are not chuckles that the writer probably intended!
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is the Tuesday Forum with
me Mary Rosenblum LR Web Editor, fiction and nonfiction writer. We’re
talking about verbs today. If you’re new here, remember that you need to
click on the Ask a Question button or the word bubble next to the red
question mark at the top of the screen, or use the ask a question icon in
order to ask a question. Your regular send bar won’t reach me! You can also
type /ask in front of your question to reach me.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
And again...if you are writing
fantasy or SF beware!
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
'His eyes fell to the floor'
provokes giggles from most readers. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
THINK about how your metaphor
translates literally and be sure it's really gonna work.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Of course most of us will just
see the character looking down, maybe submissively, if you just use 'his
eyes fell'.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
But that has become a bit of a
cliche, so I"d avoid that particular one.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
So let's look at what NOT to
use, verb wise.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Let's begin with the to be
verbs.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Is.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Was
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Were
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
are
|
|
janecj333
|
The shack's every wall labored
under the weight of gravity, the tendency of all built things to reach a
lowest common denominator
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Good. There's a case where
labored worked.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The context gives us a
'static' labor and again...if you notice...the house is not moving from its
base.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I'm not sure I could come up
with a context that makes 'twirled' work though...unless this is OZ.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
One of the best gifts you'll
give your story is to use your 'find' feature and see if you can't remove 8
out of 10 of your to be verbs.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I took a graduate seminar in
creative writing her at PSU many years ago.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Our first assignment was a
1000 word description without one single use of to be.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
That was a challenge, believe
me, and one of the best writing exercises I've ever done.
|
|
pook
|
what was your topic , Mary?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I described a barn full of
livestock as a thunderstorm loomed and broke. See? That was like 15 years
ago and I STILL remember it.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is the Tuesday Forum with
me Mary Rosenblum LR Web Editor, fiction and nonfiction writer. We’re
talking about verbs today. If you’re new here, remember that you need to
click on the Ask a Question button or the word bubble next to the red
question mark at the top of the screen, or use the ask a question icon in
order to ask a question. Your regular send bar won’t reach me! You can also
type /ask in front of your question to reach me.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Now you should not feel that
you can NEVER use a to be verb.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Sometimes is or was can be the
best way to do it.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
But don't do it by habit.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Which is what most novices do.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Let's look back at our house
examples.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The house was next to the
school. It was very old and run down.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
How many times did we remove
the need for those twin sentences with a single verb?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The house sagged next to the
school.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Compare two things here:
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The length. 14 words for
sentence one, 7 words for sentence two...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
AND...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
compare the impact.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Which gives you a stronger
image?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Most readers will 'see' that
old, sagging house more clearly with the second sentence...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
because it processes from ink
marks to image much more quickly.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
That is the mechanics of
showing...make the picture appear nearly instantaneously.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
In One, we see a house...maybe
the house next door to us..now we see a school...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
and now we have to go back and
turn the house next door into an old, rundown house.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
LOTS of mental work.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Weaker 'showing'.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
In Two: We see a house,
instantly transform it to old, and put the school down next to it. Voila.
|
|
redneckgirl-7
|
a saggy house? wouldnt it be
better to say the next to the
|
|
redneckgirl-7
|
school was old and run down
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Why? Have you ever seen a well
maintained new house that sagged?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
You're using reader
expectations to your advantage here, redneck...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Probably ninetynine percent of
your readers will instantly assume that the house is old if you simply tell
us that it sags.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
That means you don't need to
use all those words to tell us 'old and rundown'.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Verbs are a GREAT way to
deepen characterization.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
If your character is a loud,
angry type...use verbs that reflect that emotional tone as you describe
him...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
whether he is your POV or not.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
He marched across the room.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Slammed himself into his
chair.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Jerked his notebook out of his
desk.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
He walked across the room, sat
down in his chair and pulled his notebook out of his desk.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
See the difference?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
He marched across the room,
slammed himself into his chair and jerked his notebook out of his desk.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Your reader won't be surprised
at his angry outburst at the teacher if you use sentence two...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
And you won't have to tell us
'Billy was angry'.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
It's a great way to avoid
adverbs.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I don't know, Billy said
angrily.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I don't know, Billy snapped.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
"I don't know." Billy
slammed his desk closed.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
You're TELLING us how Billy is
speaking in One.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
In two, the 'snapped' let's us
hear his anger.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
And in three, we see by his
action of slamming the desk that he is angry.
|
|
seigfried007
|
and you won't have to add,
" he yelled at Mrs. Smith because we'll already hear him yelling--at
least in the jerked-notebook exmple
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Yep, exactly.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
After we see Billy slam
himself into his seat, all you have to do for dialogue is have him say
'What?" when Mrs. Smith calls on him and we'll hear a loud, angry
tone.
|
|
randi-lee
|
if you say "I don't
know," he snarled. Then you can even see his contorted facial
expression in that one.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Exactly, randi.
|
|
redneckgirl-7
|
how would you change
"sobbing , she reached over and locked
|
|
redneckgirl-7
|
the door.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I don't think you need to
change it at all, redneck. We see her sobbing and she reaches out to lock
the door.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I might leave the 'reached
over' out unless it was critical.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
It's kind of a neutral action,
so it dilutes the strong emotion of 'sobbing' and the implication that she
is protecting herself in some way by locking that door.
|
|
seigfried007
|
and if he doesn't yell, have him
glowering at the pages of his notebook or the broken end of pencil before
the "Yes, Mrs. Smith..." and we'll hear a mumble.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Yes, seig...that's a nice way
to tone down that yell...and you'll have to do something like that if you
don't want the reader to hear that yell.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Do pay attention when you use
verbs that suggest a strong emotional state.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
If you want that emotional
state to modify, you do need to make that transition clear to the reader...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
or they'll hear something you
don't want them to hear.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Like a shout instead of a
mumble.
|
|
drowningmermaid
|
Don't mysteries, especially,
need to obscure neutral actions
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
It doesn't really have
anything to do with genre, drowning... neutral actions are a tool that you
use for pacing...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
and for moderating tension in
a scene.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
A lot of neutral
actions...reaching for something, shrugging, stretching, walking across the
room...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
simply space out stronger
beats and dilute the tension.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
If that's what you want...they
belong there...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
if you are after a taut,
dramatic scene, they work against you and you need strongly charged actions
instead.
|
|
janecj333
|
'With a sob she locked the
door.' tightens the prose and elimates the 'ing' then 'ed' construction
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Or Sobbing, she locked the
door.
|
|
paja
|
Are neutral actions like those
beats you were talking of the other day?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
They are beats. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
THey are neutral rather than
having a strong charge.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Sobbing is a strongly charged
action.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Locked isn't exactly
neutral...it carries an overtone of needing safety, esepcially when coupled
with sobbing.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
BUT reaching doesn't convey
much of anything except action.
|
|
redneckgirl-7
|
but dont they need to be for a
murder mystery Mary
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
need to be what, redneck?
|
|
texasrose
|
Using ING verbs is okay then?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Well, when they work to the
benefit of your story, yes...but now incorrectly or out of habit!
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
We overuse the tobe plus ing
construction and it's weak.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The house was standing beside
the school.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The house stood beside the
school or better yet...use one of the strong, vivid verbs we used earlier.
|
|
redneckgirl-7
|
a strong charge
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Not in every sentence,
redneck. Mystery, thriller, action adventure...these genres all include a
lot of dramatic scenes...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
more so than say, most
mainstream or romance stories...but you still vary the scenes to create
peaks of dramatic tension followed by...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
small relaxations so that the
pace and tension are not monotonous.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
You simply tend to use more
dramatic moments in the 'dramatic genres' than in some other genres.
|
|
texasrose
|
The word AND can be tough to
replace. Any suggestions?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
YOu can't, texas.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
WE need some of those bland
words... 'the, a, an, and, but'...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
but you don't HAVE to use the
bland is, are, was,were. So don't.
|
|
randi-lee
|
Greedy fingers of the naked
branches grabbed for her as she ran terrified through the trees. The
hoofbeats on the cobblestones grew nearer. Her screams were stifled as icy
fingers enveloped her neck.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Good images. Now let's get rid
of that were.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Come on. It's easy to do. :-)
|
|
drowningmermaid
|
I'd take out terrified.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
WEll, we don't really need it
because randi did a great job of showing us a scene where she HAS to be
terrified...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
so it's redundant.
|
|
randi-lee
|
Her screams stifled as Icy
fingers enveloped her neck.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Gramatically that doens't
quite work...you'll have to recast that sentence.
|
|
janecj333
|
just a comma suffices for 'and'
in a lot of cases...He ate the apple, drank the beer, vomitted quietly into
his shoe.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Although here, I think you
need that final and or the reader comes to an abrupt halt. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Sort of like a horse balking
at a fence.
|
|
seigfried007
|
She opened her mouth to scream
but frigid fingers wrapped around her throoat, chooking her plea.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
And this is a nice example of
putting us into her POV...
|
|
drowningmermaid
|
Icy fingers enveloping her neck
stifled her screams?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Icy fingers closed around her
neck, stifling her screams.
|
|
tory
|
ICy fingers enveloped her throat
and stifled her screams.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
And there you go.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Taking out was or were often
forces you deeper into the POV of your character.
|
|
paja
|
Icy fingers squeezed her screams
into silence.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Ooo good one, paja.
|
|
seigfried007
|
I'd leave out eveloped--tehy're
not cradling or engulfing, they're choking, seizing or throttling.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I agree...enveloped actually
has a softer nuance...more like cloaking...mist enveloped the farmhouse...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Here, you want a verb that
suggests violence.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Choked, closed, squeezed,
|
|
pook
|
How do you eliminate was
"The manager was known for building empires"?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I'd probably use something
like "The manager built empires. Even the shoeshine boy bowed when he
passed'.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
something like thatl
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Or The manager built empires.
Everybody knew it.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Well, I"m going to have
to break here. We're past our Oregon Hour...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
and I"m going to be
meeting with our guest for Thursday, Nancy Raines Day to show her how to
use the stage.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Thanks for coming, allo.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
All!
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I'll post the transcript in
the usual place:
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Writing Craft: Forum
Transcripts
|
|
texasrose
|
Can ING be used as a past tense
verb? e.i. "Paul climbed into the driver's seat placing the injured
bird on his lap." Or should it be "and placed the injured bird...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The ing construction is
generally used to denote an ongoing action that takes place in comparison
to a more narrowly defined action.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Caroline was doing her
homework when Billy arrived.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
She was in the process of
doing her homework and Billy's arrival (a discrete event) interrupted that
longer action.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I was brushing my teeth when I
saw the ghost from the corner of my eye.
|
|
texasrose
|
Mary, Caroline is my first name!
Wow...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Ooowooo....must be channeling!
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Okay, got to go pull the
transcript here before Nancy shows up.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Feel free to stick around and
say hi.
|