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Mary Rosenblum
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Hello all!
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Mary Rosenblum
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Welcome to our Tuesday
Lunchbox Forum.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I hope you all had a lovely
Mother's Day weekend, whether you're a mother or not. :-)
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Mary Rosenblum
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I wanted to talk about 'show,
don't tell' specifically related to a first person POV>
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Mary Rosenblum
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Most examples of 'show don't
tell' in books on writing use third person.
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Mary Rosenblum
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But even when your POV
character is telling the readers what is going on, you can have that POV
voice show or tell.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Just as you can show events or
tell the readers in third person.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It's perhaps even more of a
balancing act in first person POV than in third, since you WANT the
narrator to expand on the actions and dialogue that 'show' a third person
POV story.
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Mary Rosenblum
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In fact if your narrator only
tells readers what is going on, it's going to be a very weak first person
story.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Same thing with personal
narrative where YOU are the narrator, the first person voice.
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Mary Rosenblum
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This is usually where I see my
greatest lack of 'showing' and the personal narrative really suffers
because of that.
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sss1208
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and why not?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Why not what, sss?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Ah, sorry...]
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Mary Rosenblum
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I think this question was
hanging around from the last forum!
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rae
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"Hello," I asked,
putting my hand to the side of what I thought must be its face. I didn't
want to laugh but couldn't help myself. Show or tell?
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Mary Rosenblum
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This is very nice showing,
rae.
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Mary Rosenblum
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We see the narrator putting
her hand on the side of the thing's supposed face.
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Mary Rosenblum
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And we also get the narrator's
internal commentary. She didn't want to laugh but couldn't help herself.
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Mary Rosenblum
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So we see her action and her
reaction suggests that this thing looks REALLY silly.
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Mary Rosenblum
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What I often see is:
"Hello," I said. I didn't want to laugh but couldn't help myself.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Here, we have the internal
commentary that suggests the thing looks funny or strange.
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Mary Rosenblum
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But we don't SEE the scene.
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Mary Rosenblum
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We don't see action.
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Mary Rosenblum
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This is the missing piece to
so much personal narrative and first person POV.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It is just as important in
first person to show the readers the scene as it is in third person.
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Mary Rosenblum
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The reason, I suspect, that
the scene is so often missing in personal narrative espeically, is that the
writer is so completely aware
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Mary Rosenblum
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of that scene he/she is
commenting on that it doesn't occur to that person that the visuals don't
automatically translate.
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Mary Rosenblum
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But...they don't!
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Mary Rosenblum
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So a strong first person
narrative, fiction or personal narrative, needs to constantly refresh the
scene...that is, constantly add bits of visual information
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Mary Rosenblum
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so that the readers see the
action as well as hear the narrator's commentary. Remember...in real life
we see and hear simultaneously.
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Mary Rosenblum
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So we need to create that same
effect on the page.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I headed down Main Street, keeping
a sharp eye out for Diego. He had good reason to be sore at me and I
carried a nice clear memory of the
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Mary Rosenblum
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last time he was sore at me.
Never mind a scar or two. As I reached Lanners Pharmacy my stomach reminded
me that I hadn't bothered with breakfast this morning
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Mary Rosenblum
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so I ducked through the
ancient glass doors and headed for the soda fountain at the back of the
store. The formica might be faded and cigarette burned
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Mary Rosenblum
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but Bert's coffee could wake
the dead.
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Mary Rosenblum
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So as our narrator talks, we
are reminded that we're on Main street, we reach Lanner's Pharmacy, see the
ancient glass doors and a faded and cigarette burned formica soda fountain.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Readers will fill in the
interior of the store, the street scene and the like.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Now if our character had been
out for a Sunday stroll and not nervously watching for someone who might
cause bodily harm
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Mary Rosenblum
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I could have showed a lot more
of the street.
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Mary Rosenblum
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THis is the limitation of
First Person POV. (Did I mention it is much harder to do first person well
than it is to do third person?)
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Mary Rosenblum
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If your POV character does not
have reason to notice details....you can't show those details to the
readers.
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Mary Rosenblum
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If our POV claims to be
worried about getting beat up by Diego and then spends paragraphs
rhapsodizing about the hanging flower baskets on the lamp posts and the
green striped
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Mary Rosenblum
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awnings over the store windows
that give the town a nice nostalgic look, you've violated your
characteriztion.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Either our POV isn't really
worried about Diego at all, or the author has stepped into the POV's skin
and is calling the shots. Oops.
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rae
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When is it appropriate to show a
lot of detail? I mean, a person doesn't always notice everything about a
room they enter, but they do notice somethings. Even a blind person notices
certain things.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Gemerally, you notice
'difference'in a familiar place. If I arrive home and a strange coat is
hanging on my rocking chair, someone has been here or is here.
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Mary Rosenblum
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And suddenly I"ll see
things.
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Mary Rosenblum
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And often, shock or emotional
distress can make a familiar place look strange.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I walked the last four blocks
in the pouring rain and let myself into the lobby of my apartment. Sally
was gone. It seemed like only yesterday we were sitting in the old apple
tree planning out our lives. She was
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Mary Rosenblum
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going to be a movie star and I
was going to be a jockey. I stared at the black and white marble tile and
the grimy stone staircase. Cobwebs hung like dusty rags from the grimy old
chandelier and I noticed the dirt of ages packed into the corners by the
landlords mildewy hair mop. How
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Mary Rosenblum
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the heck had I ended up here,
living in a third flood walk up, cooking on a hot plate?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Our POV having just lost a
childhood friend suddenly sees his apartment lobby with new eyes, noticing
all the shabby details that are a metaphor for a
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Mary Rosenblum
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life that didn't live up to
his childhood dreams.
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gail
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Do you think writing limited-3rd
POV is good practice for eventually trying 1st POV?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Yes, actually.
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Mary Rosenblum
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If you write VERY strong
limited third POV with absolutly NO narrative distance, it's very hard to
tell from first person
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Mary Rosenblum
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But there's no reason not to
begin with first person and simply work at making it better.
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Mary Rosenblum
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The problem is that a lot of
folks get told in high school that first person is the 'natural story
telling voice' but that doesn't mean that all
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Mary Rosenblum
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first person is automatically
GOOD!
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Mary Rosenblum
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First person is a delicate
balance of action as described by the narrator and the narrator's
amplification of that action through internal commentary.
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Mary Rosenblum
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A first person piece that is
nothing but a description of action and quotted dialogue might as well have
been written in third...and SHOULD have been written in third.
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Mary Rosenblum
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But a piece that's all
internal narrative with no sense of any physical here and now is most of
the time very boring.
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Mary Rosenblum
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We only want to listen to
someone's thoughts for so long before we get restless.
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Mary Rosenblum
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If you want to read some
excellent first person POV, try Raymond Chandler's Phillip Marlow books.
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Mary Rosenblum
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They have plenty of visual
action and they have a strong narrative voice. Chandler is an excellent
writer and the balance is very strong.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Just as in third person show
body language rather than letting your POV tell uis everything.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Sometimes saying 'she was
upset' is what you need.
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Mary Rosenblum
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But much of the time, let your
POV and your readers figure out the basics simultaneously, then let your
narrator add important amplification that your readers won't know.
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rae
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"Since my accident, I've
come to understand a little better how you must feel not being able to do
things." I rolled my wheelchair closer to the table so I could reach
the thing's ears. "I wish I knew how you came to drop in on me like
this."
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Mary Rosenblum
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That's very nice, rae.
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Mary Rosenblum
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We have an instant 'here and
now' of a room, a table, and that POV in the wheelchair.
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Mary Rosenblum
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This is the 'told' version of
that:
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Mary Rosenblum
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"Since my accident,
I"ve come to understand a little better how you must feel not being
able to do things." I had been in a wheelchair for five years now,
ever since I rolled my car on that icy curve on Highway 12. "I wish I
knew how you came to drop in on me like this," I told it.
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Mary Rosenblum
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We have even a bit more
information but what do we SEE here?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Nada.
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Mary Rosenblum
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This is the most common type
of first person I get.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It's all telling information
to the readers but not bothering to create a visual here and now.
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gail
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I like Sue Grafton's 1st-P
character, Kinsey Millhone -- very good sense of character through internal
dialogue, and the action and settings are vividly detailed.
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Mary Rosenblum
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She's also good, although I
think Chandler beats her by a nose. :-) Hardboiled PI has been pretty much
defined by the likes of Phillip Marlow, Sam Spade, and the other early PIs.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It's nearly always first
person.
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Mary Rosenblum
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And the bar in mystery is set
pretty high so you can find some excellent first person examples.
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Mary Rosenblum
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If you're writing first
person, go over each scene and ask yourself 'what does my reader see?'.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Try highlighting every visual
detail. If you can't highlight any.... oops!
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rae
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Isn't it more difficult to do
1st person, than 3rd? At least, to do it well.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I think so.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You are much more limited in
terms of visuals.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You can sneak in details that
your POV probably wouldn't actually notice, as long as you don't flagrantly
violate POV.
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Mary Rosenblum
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But in first person, where
visual details are only noticed by your POV any 'extra' details violate POV
quite obviously.
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Mary Rosenblum
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For this reason, you have to
pay much more attention to how you structure your story. You need to 'set
up' situations
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Mary Rosenblum
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where your POV character has
reason to look around and smell the roses, so to speak.
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rae
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Can you give an example of
"extra" details, please.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Sure.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Let's go back to our POV who
is trying not to run into Diego.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I had just turned down Ivy,
figuring I could go crash on Amy's sofa -- she'd keep her mouth shut --
when I saw him. Leaning against her porch rail cleaning his nails with
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Mary Rosenblum
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his shiv. Damn. I did a quick
about turn but he was watching for me. I cut right down Main, ducked into
the alley. The third board from the left in the fence at the end is loose.
I ducked through, praying he didn't know about it. Six feet of board fence
should slow him down some. The rat terrier was out and
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Mary Rosenblum
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came snapping at my heels as I
ducked under the clothesline and vaulted the low picket fence. Mrs. Belton
was in her front yard of course and she jumped up screeching, waving her
grass shears at me. Her yard is really nice, one of those
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Mary Rosenblum
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perfectly manicured little
postcard pictures with the velvet green lawn, the beds of petunias all
pinck and white, not a shriveled blossom showing,
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Mary Rosenblum
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and the obligatory bird bath
-- a white shell of course -- out front. Then there's the yellow painted
porch with the white porch swing. All you need is a tray with a glass
pitcher of lemonade and two glasses
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Mary Rosenblum
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and it's right out of Norman
Rockwell. I dashed past as she thrust at me. Maybe she'd spear Diego.
Vaulted over her front fence and bolted acrosst he street, praying as horns
blared. Hit the sidewalk and blasted past some shoppers and into Pete's
arcade.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Okay, here we have a chase
scene...our POV is running for his hide from Diego. But when we get to Mrs.
Belton's front yard, the action freezes and our POV describes her yard in
detail.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Then the film starts up again
and we're running again.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Now you can use this as an
intentional effect and make it the style of the piece. But if you just do
it, as I did it here, it creates this jerky freeze-motion-freeze-motion
type of pace which is very artificial.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Where it CAN work is if you're
doing something in the literary spectrum where you don't particularly want
readers to engage with the story and you're focusing on style and effect
instead.
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rae
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So it is still all stuff he
either knows, sees, or is thinking about, right?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Or hears.
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Mary Rosenblum
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We don't have dialogue in
this, but he hears Mrs. Belton screeching at him. He's way too busy
worrying about Diego to pay attention to WHAT she is screeching.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Now if he was strolling down
the street on a sunny Sunday without a care, then that description of Mrs.
Belton's yard would be quite appropriate.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It might be a marvelous way to
reveal his attitude about the town and its residents, depending on what he
has to say.
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Mary Rosenblum
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One big weakness I see a lot
is when our first person narrator suddenly ends up in a fight or excape
situation
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Mary Rosenblum
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but the readers have no clue
what is going on. So as he/she is busy fighting off three sword-waving
brigands, that narrator
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Mary Rosenblum
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is also filling us in about
the Duke and his henchmen and how they control this stretch of highway and
prey on the peasants.
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Mary Rosenblum
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And I'm always SO impressed
because when I was fencing (and not even worried about getting a sword
point between my ribs!) I sure couldn't keep up
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Mary Rosenblum
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a coherent conversation while
trying to keep my opponent's foil-tip off my vest!
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Mary Rosenblum
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I was WAY too busy.
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Mary Rosenblum
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So if you're going to pitch
your first person POV into a fight for his/her life, for pete's sake give
that poor person the opportunity
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Mary Rosenblum
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to give the readers enough
backstory so that the character isn't trying to explain the situation while
fighting for his/her life!
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Mary Rosenblum
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That is SO contrived and
phony!
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crystalwizard
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and exhausting ;)
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Mary Rosenblum
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That, too. And I hate to say
it...as I'm sure you see all too often, wiz...it's practically a trope of
bad fantasy stories! :-)
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Mary Rosenblum
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And again...nothing is 'never'
in the writing world. And you can do some very clever and funny stuff with
that Hero chatting with the readers
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Mary Rosenblum
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as he fights off a dozen
attackers.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Just don't do it in a serious
scene! Do it intentionally as a main stylistic element of the piece.
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crystalwizard
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it happens because the writer
isn't in character and thus not IN the scene. They're detached and
describing it from the cameraman's POV
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Mary Rosenblum
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Exactly.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Which is what the 'tell' part
of 'show don't tell' is all about.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You step the readers out of
the scene, away from the characters, and from a distance, fill in the
information.
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Mary Rosenblum
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But all sense of realism is
lost.
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Mary Rosenblum
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We have become observers.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That is the magic of prose
fiction that can not be duplicated by TV and movies.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You watch TV or a movie, and
while you get caught up in it, you're not there.
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Mary Rosenblum
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But really good fiction can
suck you into that story so that you forget that you're not in that place
and time.
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rae
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But you can't very well do
'opha' and 'ompha' to go witht he thrusts and jabs. How would you do a
fight scene like that?
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Mary Rosenblum
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You mean the sounds, rae?
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Mary Rosenblum
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No, don't DO that! Nothing
sillier than Pow!!!
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Mary Rosenblum
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BUT...
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Mary Rosenblum
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Readers will provide the sound
effects just fine, the way they provide tone of voice, if you simply show
them the visuals.
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Mary Rosenblum
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They'll fill in the obvious
sounds.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Jeremy clenched his fists.
"I"ve had enough."
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Mary Rosenblum
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You hear a particular tone of
voice. I don't need to describe it.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Carl dove, hitting Salmon just
above the knees. With a yell, he pitched forward into Granny Banks table
full of pickles and jams. The table went down and glass jars cascaded to
the concrete, spraying pickle juice everywhere.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Salmon came up wiping
raspberrry preserves from his face. "You're gonna die for that."
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Mary Rosenblum
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Believe me, readers will hear
everything they need to.
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crystalwizard
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The shock from my fist
connecting with his jaw sent lights exploding behind my eyes. His head
snapped back and he hit the ground with a thud.
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Mary Rosenblum
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There you go. We have the
intensity of the blow and the following thud.
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Mary Rosenblum
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And actually, in the heat of a
fight you're not going to hear much anyway.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You're focused on attack and
response.
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Mary Rosenblum
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When we're in crisis, we
develop tunnel vision. We see only what will save our butts.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Well, our time has whipped by
today. :-)
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Mary Rosenblum
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I'll post this on the website
in the usual place:
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Mary Rosenblum
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Writing Craft Forum
Transcripts.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Nice examples of good showing,
rae and wiz! Thanks!
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